i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
