3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
