I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
