before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
