Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
