He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
