there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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