Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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