Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
