Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
