Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
