so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
