T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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