I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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