Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
