Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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