it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
