you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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