So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
