I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
