I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
