I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
