final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have feelings that need drinking.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
