so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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