The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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