If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
