so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
