I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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