matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
