I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
