Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Found your dick twin last night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
