peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
