i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
