Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
