Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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