I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
