Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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