this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The air taste purple.
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