i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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