There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
