I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
