3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
