yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
