It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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