I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I want a musical about memes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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