then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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