you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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