cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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