I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
