It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
