I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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