I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
