all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
