did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
