I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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